How to speak to a German

Right, so I'm not a big fan of labelling people according to their nationality. For some reason, though, it seems to be a big landmark for many. Like when I was getting off the tube with a group of noisy foreign students, and this woman turned to me, wrinkling her nose, saying "Are they GERMAN?!" (which they weren't, of course) So why did she think they were? Because they were loud? Or rude? Or, to quote my boss, "as cruel as the Dutch"? And why did she think I wasn't?!

Now, I really don't think there is such a thing as 'a German'. But still, assuming that all Germans share some traits or cultural tradition or whatever you want to break national identity down to, there must be something that puts you into the position of cheering for your football team, or driving a particular car, or drink your nation's beer. And following that, some sort of identity that has to be dealt with when addressing your odd German friend. Which is what you always wanted to know. Here's a bit of a guide, then!

First of all, don't be put off if you're all happy-smiley and they just give you this look - as in, 'what ARE you going on about?' Small talk seems to be an alien concept to the Germans, and it's really difficult to do when you're not used to saying things without actually saying things. If you ever hear me talk about the weather, be assured that even though if I try to be sincerely friendly, I'm cracking up inside. We seem to be following a reverse pattern than other nationalities when asked how we are. There's no easy answer like 'Fine thank you' for your average German. This question needs pondering. A lot. And we need to weigh whether that lady letting us jump the queue at the post office really makes up for the cup of coffee in the morning that had not been hot enough. Be prepared for a well thought-through talk on how I am when you ask me!

Secondly, don't be put off if Germans come across as rude, as they don't mean to be. They are just naming things as they are. If you are sat at a dinner table, they say "Can I have the bread?" instead of saying "Does anyone want more bread?" in hoping someone might get the hint and pass it over. Pretty straightforward stuff, that.

Recently I examined the German lexicon again, and was surprised at how much it reflects a German's attitude to life. Where English-speaking people have tons of different words you have to learn, Germans just make compounds for the words they need.

Thus, 'watch' means 'Armbanduhr', which translates as 'arm + strap + clock', makes sense, doesn't it.

Same in 'tv', which is 'Fernseher', 'distant + viewer'.

Or 'towel', translated as 'Handtuch' which is 'hand + cloth'. Easy peasy!


And lastly, aimed at the Brits among you: as much as you like to shorten word, don't ever call the Germans germs. It really doesn't go down well.